Email marketing that slaps you in the face – decisive or desperate?

But recently there seems to me a new fashion springing up for marketing emails – some of them spam – that not only get your attention, but slap you across the face and suggest you don’t know what’s right for your business.

Email marketing slap number 1 – a video peddler

This one starts off innocently enough with a subject line that reads “Explain your product or services with a (brand) video.” But then he gets decisive – or perhaps aggressive?

Hi, I saw your website and I think you might need our services. My name is (name) I specialize in marketing videos.

Eh? You might think I need your services, but that doesn’t mean I do, and you’re certainly not going to persuade me by telling me what you think without knowing what I want.

We create high quality advertising … videos to give you that extra boost needed to make more sales on your website. People buy with their eyes, I think if you have an engaging high quality video on your website that explains your products or services to your customers so they wouldn’t have to read the contents of your website to know what you’re selling, that will help increase your sales. 

Aha, so the words on my website are cr*ppy, right? And your dinky little videos with laughably twee animation, yet another scribbling hand on a whiteboard and someone playing an out-of-tune ukulele behind the voice track are going to share over 1,000 articles’ worth of writing expertise and experience to our readers? What are you on? Whatever it is, you need to change your drug dealer.

Please make sure to watch our awesome video samples to have an idea of what we can do to help you increase your sales. Thank you, (name.)

I did watch it – for the sake of researching for this article, not thanks to your irritating email marketing words. It’s not awesome. It sucks. You may think it’s decisive but it’s a desperate attempt to stuff prospects into a dubious medium that’s a pretty poor product in itself.

PS: Refer a friend to us and receive $100. Click on the AFFILIATE link on our website to find out more

Gee, a hundred bucks? Give it to an animal rescue home. I’m out of here.

Email marketing slap number 2 – not sure, but probably an MLM scam

This lady doesn’t waste any time. She shakes you warmly by the throat with her subject line: “I’m ANGRY and It’s All Your Fault!”  Woo-hoo. It certainly got my attention but only because its “decisiveness” made me laugh.

For days I’ve been giving you the opportunity to learn the top 5 ways to earn an online income. And what have you been doing? Ignoring Me? All the hard work I’ve done for you and im giving it to your for nothing, nada, zippo, for no-cost

Oh, so sorry, dear. You must be desperate. Your harsh words are like being slapped in the face by a soggy, wet fish. PS: next time you try email marketing, tidy up the spelling and punctuation, OK?

All I ask is you watch this ten minute video that took me 36 hours to make for YOU!

You really shouldn’t have bothered, especially as it contains interview clips of badly-rehearsed drooling punters saying how thrilled they were to get some money. Plus a voice-over who drones on like Barry White ondiazepam. (NB: did you know thatmares prefer stallions with a deep whinney? Bet you couldn’t have gotten through the day without knowing that.)  And, er, by the way, even after 36 hours of hard work that soundtrack still doesn’t sync up.

I mean it shows you step by step on how to earn over 1k every day I mean look I know time is money and I don’t want
to waste yours so please do us a favor and start earning yourself profits now!
Go Here If You Want It
I’ll see you on the inside,

I mean I think you’re going to make me cry soon with your desperate desire to help me make all those thousands of dollars. I mean however I suspect the only time I would see you on the inside is if and when you end up in jail and I come to visit you.

***Update March 20, 2015 – another pushy gem in the inbox!

We have been trying to reach you for 3 days regarding your account.
You were granted a $1,997 for Free but have not claimed it yet.
You have 30 minutes or else it will expire. It will NOT be able to get re-instated.
This will be your last notice, Elena

Shucks. Sorry, Elena. By the way, what is “a $1,997 for Free?” Probably what it would cost me to get rid of the Trojan Horse your link would download into my dinky old desktop.

But if you want an example of good, decisive email marketing…

… you really can’t do better than admire the work of Jon McCulloch, or the EBG (Evil Bald Genius) who has a huge following for his daily emails.

He is probably the most potty-mouthed punter on the internet. He doesn’t merely break all the rules: he vaporizes them. Yet his email marketing works.

Why does his type of email marketing work?

Simple. What he is selling is a product of value. He knows it. His clients and prospects know it. His emails are clever because although they sometimes will slap you in the face to begin with they are hilariously funny, intelligently written, and they draw you in, usually from a totally unrelated topic, to his Call To Action without you even realizing. But when you get to it you understand right away that this is premium; not junk.

Here is a brief excerpt of one of his recent email marketing gems (and he does notuse asterisks…)

Hi Suzan,
You know what a Presumptive D*ckwad is, don’t you?
OK, I’ll tell you: it’s someone who blunders into your business with all the enthusiasm and welcome of a big, wet, muddy dog and wonders why you don’t reciprocate by sniffing his b*tthole back.
I used to get this quite a bit when I was a copywriter — I’d get an email from some microcephalic f*cktard saying something like this….

…and it gets better and better, but definitely not “safe for work!”

The first two examples here are not selling anything of value. They are selling cr*ppy videos and some get-rich-quick MLM scam. All they achieve is to antagonize readers without there being a point to it.

What do you think about email marketing that slaps you in the face? Decisive or desperate?

Please share your thoughts!


About the author: Suzan St Maur


This article was first published on Suzan St Maur’s … the largest all-genre writing site on the internet with more than 1,000 articles and tutorials on how to write better across 26 categories covering business, blogging and other content writing, social media, job search, academic writing, speeches – plus fiction, personal, music, poetry and much more.

This article was first published by Suzan St Maur